and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
