i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
