My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
