I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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