i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
