The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
