Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
