I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
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