dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
