You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
