Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Who died my cat blue again?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
