she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
