I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
