Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
