when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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