I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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