Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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