I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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