A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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