the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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