I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
But break dance skills will only take you so far
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
