my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
