people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Randomize
