I think i peed on brittanys purse
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
