Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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