I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
