I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
