what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
