He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Green mimosas i think yes
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
