i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
