I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Randomize
