hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
