Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
