Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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