Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Randomize
