Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
