Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
