remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize