I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
