Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
