My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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