There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
