I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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