Moan for me like Helen Keller
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
