I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
