Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Randomize
