Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
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