did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
