I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
