you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
