and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
