Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
