Got a toothbrush?
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
