she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
