Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Randomize
