It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
